Living in the North of Sweden can be quite challenging. Being in the wild sometimes asks you to conquer the shadows inside yourself. Facing the darkness! Let me explain what I mean by a thing that happened this week.
I’d been inside by the fire most of the day because of The Cold. It’s around -25 outside this week. Let me tell you: that’s COLD! It’s the kind of cold that makes it hard to breathe, the muscles in your face get rigid, your nose and lips freeze and your breath creates ice in your hair.
Inside by the fire is cozy, perfect for making music, singing and listening to final mixes. That’s what I had been doing all day, very productive. Very safe.
Here’s the thing. We have a dog and he needs his evening walk. At night it is even colder. And dark of course, let’s not forget about the absence of light. Usually walking the dog at night is not my job, but Martijn went to bed early. To be honest, I don’t feel very comfortable to be outside in the dark at night. Creepy things lurk in the shadows. My imagination surely thinks so!
So here I am, comfortably wrapped in a blanket on the couch after a day’s work, with my canine friend. Outside awaits the arctic night, which I don’t particularly wish to experience. As a very functional response my brain starts the Poor Me Mantra: Poor me, being forced to go outside on this VERY cold and dark winter night. Why did it come to this? WHY!???!!! Poor me!
Of course it is a way to avoid looking in the eye what actually scares me. I’m scared of being alone in the dark, afraid of feeling uncomfortable in the cold.
And then something awakes inside of me: I don’t want to be that kind of woman anymore! I strongly believe there’s beauty hidden in facing your own darkness! I decide to practice what I preach. I WILL face the Dark Winter’s Night and its hidden terrors! It won’t kill me …. probably.
I wrap myself in 6 layers of clothing, pretty toasty! No need to feel too uncomfortable while doing scary stuff like going outside in the darkness. Doggy on a leash, because of his interest in local wildlife. I’ll need someone to guard me, of course (though in case of an emergency our ‘ferocious predator’ will probably hide between my legs and let me handle the situation, the coward!)
I take a few deep breaths to center myself and step outside.
And a true miracle awaits me … ! The sky is clear and all I see is the massive expanse of the universe above. It is completely silent, not a single sound except for my footsteps in the snow. I’ve never felt such a sense of belonging, surrounded by all these shades of gray.
I would never have felt this if I stayed inside, in the middle of my comfort zone. Of course in the background my mind mumbles stuff about men with chainsaws, but the overall feeling of wholeness is so all encompassing, that I hear it as the chatter it actually is. I feel lifted above myself, if you know what I mean.
I end up lying in the snow, gazing at the stars for a long time. When I finally get inside again, I see frozen tears on my cheeks. Thank you, beautiful Sweden for granting me this opportunity to grow!